I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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