o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
