Where is the hickey?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
