I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
well I can't set my house on fire every night
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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