Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
there is glitter all over my balls
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