He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
