I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
