I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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