My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
