She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
