They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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