if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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