Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
