he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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