remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
