The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
