Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
