I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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