Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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