how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
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