I swear she didn't look like that last week.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
