My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
