my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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