I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
