I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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