Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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