If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
