I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize