omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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