I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
