He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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