I molested 6 butterflies tonight
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
My bed smells like the plague
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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