i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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