happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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