One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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