So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
