I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Did I show you my penis last night?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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