i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
