there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
