my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize