She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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