I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's rum buckets o'clock
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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