Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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