If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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