Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Only a mothe r could love this liver
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Randomize
