i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
