So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
