Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize