I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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