sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
