and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Also, beer. Big fan.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
