i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Mom said you looked used
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
