Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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