yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
