Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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