Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
