do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
