I swear she didn't look like that last week.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Can I color on your dick again?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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