Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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