ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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