Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
