I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
