"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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