I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
